Feeling stuck? You need to read this book.
You know when you find a book that speaks to your soul, and you can’t stop talking about it? Yeah, I’m gonna talk about my current book obsession: Martha Beck’s latest, The Way of Integrity. Through her pragmatic yet magical ways, she delivered the exact message I was craving right now.
It sounds a bit boring or stuffy, doesn’t it? Puritanical, perhaps? Like she’s about to give you a lecture on being a more upright citizen. I assure you, it’s anything but. Her aim is to get you more deeply in touch with what you really want out of life, and then make “one-degree turns” to get there. It’s about learning to stop doing what you think you should do, and start doing what your soul feels called to do. But—and this is key—with practical instructions.
It can be so frustrating to listen to all the people on social media telling you to live your best life and follow your dreams, when you wouldn’t know your best life if it wacked you in the face. Or when your dreams feel so implausible, so laughable, you can’t imagine telling your best friend about them, never mind actually pursuing them. Having permission to move slowly and let it be easy, can be all you need to start taking tiny steps on the path to your truest self.
This topic is on my mind a lot lately.
Have you lost yourself in trying to please others?
A couple of my girlfriends and I have been meeting for virtual movie nights in this COVID era, and we recently saw a comedy called Greener Grass. This movie shows, in the most absurd, farcical way, how people will lose themselves in their quest to be acceptable by their culture’s standards. In this case, the culture being American suburbia, where appearances are everything and a woman’s job is to be agreeable and pleasing at all times, even when she’s falling apart. Although ridiculous things are happening to the main character—her son inexplicably turning into a dog, for example—we found it hard to laugh, because we were inwardly cringing the whole time at how this woman is treating herself like a doormat.
Where are you treating yourself like that? Like you’re not worthy or capable of discovering, exploring, and pursuing your desires, curiousities or passions? Or that you’re not allowed to say no, and create boundaries for yourself? I can look back and see many examples in my life, with employers, boyfriends and friends, where I ignored the quiet voice within telling me to say no, or to stand up for myself, or to ask for more. Like the times I’ve let men tell me what I should or shouldn’t be eating (WTF?) or the boss I allowed to take credit for my work while she routinely, publicly criticized me. What’s frustrating is noticing where I still do it—but the noticing is key. I just need to remind myself to hold a gentle, warm glow of awareness, rather than a glaring spotlight on my struggles to stay true to myself.
The courage to ignore cultural expectations
In The Way of Integrity, Beck talks a lot about working up the courage to defy the cultures we belong to, when cultural expectations are at odds with our soul’s desires. Whether that culture is related to where you live or being part of a particular religion, ethnic identity, family dynamic, or socio-economic class, we often need support to follow our hearts rather than continuing to be ‘acceptable’ in the eyes of our communities. Beck herself had to stand up to her Mormon church, family and friends when outing her father as an abuser, and coming out as gay. As a university professor, she also had to go against the grain of academic culture that prized intellect over intuition.
You don’t generally get that kind of courage overnight. Some people never get it. Some miraculous individuals seem to be born with it. The rest of us need to struggle a while, and see how miserable we are when we’re not living in integrity. Then we can start to make one-degree turns toward the life we want (or to simply begin noticing what we’re curious about, so we can eventually envision the life we want), allowing our true nature to lead us.
Where to start?
You could pick up Beck’s excellent book. You could hire a life coach to get support. Or you could simply give yourself permission, with even the smallest decisions in your day (whole grain or rye toast?), to check in and ask yourself: is this what I truly want? What does my body say? How do I feel?
Our brains are marvelous machines, capable of so much analysis, creativity and communication. But what most of us need a lot more of, is to check in with our bodies. And the more disconnected we are from our bodies (in Western culture, disconnection seems to be the norm) the more important it is to take time out.
To breathe.
To feel.
To realize what’s true for us.
There are a lot of so-called experts and well-meaning loved ones who will be happy to tell you how to be. How to dress, eat, earn money, date, exercise, and think… but over the past few years, I’m finally seeing what a losing game that is. These days, any advice that takes me away from my own intuition is something I’m going to ignore. I’m getting bolder by the day, and loving how it feels to answer only to my inner truth. To live with integrity.